Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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