every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
