I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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