you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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