well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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