I hate your face
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
