I think my fart just growled at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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