I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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