Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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