According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
