I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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