chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
