Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
