Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I want her autograph on my taint
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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