felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
