I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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