Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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