We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
