hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
