I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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