im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
