Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
