I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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