if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
where are you?
Hypothermia
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
