I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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