My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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