just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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