I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
