Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Barsexuality is the new black.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
