I have demons in me.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
