I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is it because I queefed?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
