I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
third nipple confirmed
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
