Little spoons don't ask big questions
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
