I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
