woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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