All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
