It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
