It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
