I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
