this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I lost the right to judge tonight
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
