Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
