Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
