Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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