well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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