Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
bring money and cleavage
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
