So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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