I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
