my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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