Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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