whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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