I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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